Vulnerability is strength. Speaking my truth is strength.

Recently I have had a real break through in my mental health! Its funny because everything is cyclical, and I keep getting the same lessons, but each time my understanding of myself gets that little deeper. Life really is on repeat. I visualise this as a spiral. Rather than coming full circle it’s a spiral moving forward in space/time. Imagine the graphic of our solar system spiralling through our Milky Way galaxy.

It’s like ‘now I get it’. You can be assured that this lesson will happen again in the future, with deeper understanding!

Its funny because now that I look back over the last 12 months the signs have been there, and in fact the more I contemplate it the further I reach back I can see the influences on how I got to here. But more recently I noticed that I just wasn’t coping well every day. Family life was a challenge. I would say being a mother has been one of my biggest challenges. I am grateful for this as I have learnt so much about myself through my children. You have this image of happy family life, their little faces looking adoringly up at you, hanging on every word. Listening and learning. Eating what you cook, being obedient, being loving and respectful. This is in fact crazy bullshit programming from the culture we live in. My childhood was not like that. I was oppositional, defiant and strong willed so why should I expect my children to be different? Having teenagers has been so insightful. Casting me back to my teenage years, I have so much more respect for my parents. How tough it must have been for them. And yet at that age you don’t really consider their challenges. I was always on the verge of leaving home, packing my bags at the age of 13! In fact, I did leave home when I was 16. I can’t imagine how difficult that would have been for my mother. And yet she supported me, bought me groceries, welcomed me home whenever I would turn up with my washing. My father helped me find training courses, support from the local council to go away for 3 months in Borneo. I left school with no exams, moved into a bedsit at 16 and went on the dole. I’m seeing this all in a new light. Recognising their support. Don’t get me wrong I was grateful at the time, and yet now that understanding is so much deeper. Karma for sure.

Back to today I find myself coming out of a hole I hadn’t realised I was slowly slipping into. I’m at that midlife point where we all start to look inwards and question where we are at. Is work fulfilling us, teenagers will be soon finished school and onto their next chapter. Parents getting that bit older, contemplating what are the next 20-30 years going to look like? All the while racing into menopausal middle age, joints a little achy, not recognising the person in the mirror. All these factors combined to lower my resilience. Everything was just getting that bit harder to deal with. My nervous system was wounding tighter and tighter. When it happens gradually you don’t notice it. Until one day a switch is flipped, and your bucket is full, and you find yourself crying because the post office is shut!

For context I have done 3 different diets in 4 months. December 5 days of fasting, January 4 weeks of keto and then in March a 14-day cleanse. I mean when I look at it here, I’m not surprised I hit rock bottom. Battling to maintain my weight and being focused on being healthy, maybe back-to-back diets were not the best idea I had. Teenager going through prelims, with their own challenges of extreme fatigue. Husband full on with his own work challenges, growing my business consultancy clients – all that going on with declining estrogen, its obvious now.  Economic doom and gloom. All combined for a recipe of depression, stress, unhappiness and a general feeling of malaise. Stress is stress and my body decided it had enough.

I found myself becoming more and more isolated. I didn’t want to see friends and family. My self-talk was very critical, and very toxic. My frustration at my inability to pull myself out of this funk just spiralled me further down. Its all great coaching and mentoring others but when it comes to your own wellbeing, not feeling able to reach out for support from others, just made me feel lost, trapped and hopeless.

That day I missed the post office and the stress of it made me cry, was a real aha moment. That morning I had an early call with a client, and I couldn’t see my computer screen. I had a visual migraine come on which shook me deeply. It made we realise I just wasn’t coping. I wasn’t looking after myself. I started to really look inwards, and it dawned on me I was repeating earlier patterns that I had periodically had throughout my life. Every 5-7 years I would hit a wall. Become very low and isolate myself. The hard part is to recognise these patterns. Sometimes we’re not self-aware enough to notice them. The gift of middle age is from your mid 30’s onwards you really start to look at your life and question your choices. Let’s face it by your 40’s you’re halfway through your life. Times a ticking.

So, I did the opposite of what I usually do and I forced myself to reach out to a few trusted friends and was honest and said – look I’m not coping. Just that little olive branch was enough to turn the tide. You see I’ve been working on being vulnerable, more honest about how I feel. Speaking my truth and not holding in those emotions inside. I am very lucky that my husband is my best friend and being honest with him has really helped me be honest with myself.

To the outside world my life is successful, I have a solid marriage of 25+ years, two healthy kids, successful career, a nice house in a lovely part of the country. Everyone sees a strong woman who has it together! And here lies the challenge, I realised I wasn’t show how not together I am. How I get anxious in social situations, I have a real challenge with my confidence, I often doubt myself, worry I’m not good enough and I’m very self-critical.

Aren’t we all?

So although the last year has been very challenging mentally, now that I am climbing out the other end it, I have found it to be really insightful. Vulnerability is strength. Speaking my truth is strength.

I’m now focusing on building joy back into my life. I looked at all the things that energise me and just started to schedule them into my diary. A weekend away for a health conference, meeting up with friends, attending group activities like meditation, wild swimming, using my sauna, walks in nature, using my Bioresonance machine, scheduling in time with friends. I’ve not fully recharged yet, only yesterday I found myself feeling the stress rising and crying yet again! So that was a good reminder to take it easy and just nurture this little flame of hope. I’ve checked in with my menopause doctor, supported my hormones. Now going to enjoy the ride on this roller coaster life – until the next lull and repeat.